There was a storm when I was on the bus in the Russian countryside and I saw the lightening illuminate vast expanses of fields and nothingness - it evoked memories of times in Romania when we were sat in the back of a random couple’s car and he was trying to get photographs of the lightening as we were hurtling through the rain at two in the morning. I was sat on my own this time and my phone was not working - I was alone with my thoughts and my music and I felt in a certain harmony to things around me and laughed to myself as there was a beauty I could connect to - this nothingness can consume us or leave us in awe I guess. Maybe both.
The storm disintegrated the cardboard box the guitar was in. I sat on a bench in village hundreds of miles from civilisation playing the guitar whilst kids and dogs ran around in front of me in curiosity. A taxi driver picked me up and talked to me for ages about how to brew my own Russian vodka - he dropped me off in the place where this all began and the memories came flooding back.
We walked over the fields, the same place we went over two years ago. It felt like anything was possible and things could change. Every time I have been in Russia I can feel myself changing for the positive - these sudden realisations that occur every day. The compassion and the will to understand.
I sat in the same kitchen in the house in the forest as I did two years ago with Zhenya. I looked at Valentin and he was just the same, only this time I could understand him better. He said it was better to be an observer than to follow the masses. We bonded in Nietzsche and in our love to explore. I remembered those times I was there previously with Zhenya in the early hours of the morning talking and drinking homemade spirits Something felt ok that day - my panic subsided. I spoke to Nelly, I have missed her, she’s much smaller than I remember. Maybe I’ve become bigger. I know I have - and I do feel shame.
I closed my eyes on the metro today and cried in front of many people because I was too tired to keep my emotion inside. When James asked how I was I blew out my cigarette smoke and laughed and told him it was fine. We’re all fine here. I put too much faith into human relationships. Recognition - a fear of rejection.